Striving For Perfection

Really hope this prozac starts kicking in asap because then I won’t have the urge to b/p and it decreases appetite so I can restrict easily. I’m going to Jamaica in April, so I need to have the best body by then forsure, no excuses. I want to be 105 by the end of this year. I have too. I want to look cute in skinny jeans with fashionable boots with a nice scarf and jacket for fall and winter. I need to start posting on here more often as well.. as I post and then don’t post forever. I’ll keep up.

Getting put back on Prozac, have to go back to see my therapist have to go see a physciatrist and have been diagnosed with moderate/severe depression. And on top of that I hate myself for being so god damn fat. Fucking grand.

So I kept up for 9 days burning 700-1000 calories everyday an eating 1500, and I’m actually seeing results! But then I managed to slip up and b/p yesterday and today, twice each day and no workout.. I feel so guilty and terrible that I let my eating disorder control me, I kept barely anything down yesterday and I haven’t kept anything down today.. I have no energy to workout. I’m going to try to make myself workout tonight because I know it will make me feel better, but tomorrow I’m getting right back on track and continuing my workout routine.

Been working out like crazaaay, about to go on a early morning bike ride right away, then a jog then turbofire ! :) I feel pretty awesome that I haven’t gave up and just keep going. Even got a few workout buddies now, whoop whoop.

Ok so since Monday I decided to buckle down with this whole fitness thing and so far it’s going great!

This is how it’s went so far:

Monday: 55 minute insanity workout plus a 15 min ab workout

Tuesday: 20 min HIIT turbofire workout

Wednesday: 15 min ab workout plus 1 1/2 hours of biking and a 35 min jog/walk

And tomorrow I’m going on a jog at 8, walk at 9, turbofire workout some time in the day and maybe another walk at night.

I feel pretty motivated and at the beginning I was 121.. (I gained from all the binging) but I’m determined to get it off the right way and make sure it stays off.

I’m at the point where I just want to die. I hate my life so much and this stupid fucking eating disorder is taking over my life. I’ve tried every single little thing to try and get better and eat healthy, but I’ve come to the fact that I won’t ever be able to recover fully from this disgusting disease. I’ve been close to point where I actually think I’m going to die while purging. The racing of my heart, the pounding headache, my nose running consistently, the spitting to get rid of the excess saliva draining from my mouth. I can’t go on doing this 4-5 times a day, it will be the death of me… I really need a fresh start. I need help, but I’m scared.

I’m seriously so tired, I feel as if my body is breaking down slowly. All this binging and purging is taking a major toll on me. I really hope tomorrow will be a better day for once.. I feel so fat and disgusting. Taking laxatives when I get home, hopefully it will make me feel a tad emptier.

I need someone seriously.. I weighed myself this morning and I was 117. I hate it. I’m so freaking fat. Binged and purged this morning, it barely came out so I forced myself to drink warm milk and water with salt and mustard.. probably the most disgusting thing ever. I got out as much as I could. I feel gross. I’ve only had a bit of fruit since then, that was 5 hours ago. I need someone that lives in canada that I can text. I feel as if I can’t talk to anyone cause either no one knows or doesn’t understand and I have trust issues. I need someone to keep me from b/p. My throat is all cut up because of it. Fuck. Message me ?